From January to June of this year, I struggled to lose weight and become a healthier person overall. During that time, I lost around 30 pounds. I maintained that new weight for the next three to four months. I was finally happy with the way I looked, how I fit into my clothes, and basically just how I felt.
Since about October, my eating habits have progressively returned to what they were before I began this journey. At first I blamed it on all the Halloween candy. Then November rolled around, and I blamed my increased eating and less exercise on Thanksgiving, which was looming right around the corner. Now, while the clothes I bought when I lost weight still fit me, I’ve begun to notice that I feel less comfortable in them, the shirts in particular. Since the tail end of November and the beginning of December, I’ve come to the realization that, if I want to look and feel the way I did several months ago, then I need to get back into better eating and exercising.
So I did that, for a week. I loved it. But, as before, I lost the motivation and just quit. I know that on average, I should be drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day—well, I don’t even think I’ve had that much in a week. It’s little things like that; I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I hit an all time low this evening after eating dinner with someone who had been supporting me this entire time and who I thought would understand the impact of saying a trigger word about me specifically would influence me. I told this person before that I had bought a pair of pajamas today during my lunch break. I told them that while I thought the shirt would fit, the bottoms/pants were almost certain to be too big (they were the kind that are bundled like gifts, so you pretty much have to buy them if you want to try them on). As I was explaining this to this person, their response was simply to—now that I’d purchased the PJs—try them on and that they would probably fit because I’ve “gotten fat.”
Needless to say that there was an abrupt end to that conversation. And now I don’t even want to try on the PJs; what if they do fit? Does that mean I have gotten fat? Being someone who has always been heavier than their peers, 30 pounds did not in any way make me “slim”, but to me, that was the push I needed to convince myself that weight loss was possible and I could do this. Now, with my poor habits pretty much back in full swing, I’m terrified that this incident will just push me over the edge. If, after all this time, I’ve just “gotten fat”, why do I bother trying to change the way I am? If all the work I put into myself at the start of the year is just going to collapse in on itself the moment I stop trying so hard, what’s to say it won’t happen again should I pick up my healthier lifestyle?
I’m sorry, I didn’t intended to make this post so long, personal, and self-loathing. This was just something that I was really affected by and something I just needed to get off my chest. And now my cat’s mad at me because I’m ignoring him when he wants to play. I’ll delete this later.